I originally wrote this for WEGO Health but it's weighing on me so I'm posting it here too:
I'm tired. I'm frustrated. Right now I'm the bad guy, or at least that's how I feel I'm being perceived. Maybe I am the bad guy. I have a feeling I'm about to get badder.
Being a food allergy parent isn't easy. I know I've covered this before. And a few weeks ago I wrote about a field trip for my food allergic child that ended up having a happy ending. Sometimes when trying to keep our kids safe we aren't always sure what is the correct thing to do. Yes, medically we do...for the most part. But not always socially.
Concerned Dad wrote a post about ice cream being served on his son's field trip. I didn't comment because I didn't really think he was looking for what I had to say. I feel for him. I just don't agree with him (I agree with him, I just don't completely agree with him). But others did agree with him so I guess that means they don't agree with me.
Now there is another field trip at my sons school in a few weeks. And this is a field trip that is 45 minutes away and NO parent chaperons go, only teachers and older students. I sent an email to the teacher asking for clarification on who would be with my son, who would have the Epi Pen, etc. and I got a not so warm and fuzzy response back. I wasn't questioning the teachers ability to take care of my child (in school the teacher is great) but this is a different setting and I feel I have a right, no I feel it is my job as his mother, to ask. I'm not sure he is going to be allowed to go on this field trip but I need information and a place to start basing my opinions on this before I outright veto it.
What is the appropriate age for a food allergic child to go on a field trip without his/her parent? I don't have an answer here. I wish I did. My son is five years old. For me, five years old is not that age. Five is young. Five doesn't know how to take care of himself and his food allergies. He can't advocate for himself. His teacher is there and his teacher knows about his allergies, but his teacher has never seen an allergic reaction. His teacher has never used the Epi Pen. And it's 45 minutes away so if something happened and I needed to get to a hospital, it would take me a while (this has nothing to do with age and everything to do with Mama Stress).
If I don't let him go, I'm singling him out. I'm telling him "You're different because of your food allergies". But he is, isn't he? He's going to have to learn that now, isn't he? No one wants to see our children be disappointed. But he's disappointed every day, isn't he? Every time he asks to go to Chuck E Cheese's and I say "No, you're allergic to wheat", he's disappointed. When he wants to stop at the ice cream shop and I say "No, there is nothing for you there", he's disappointed. But saying NO to this trip isn't just disappointment, it's an admission that he's different and there are things that he just can't do. Do I roll the dice and let him go and pray that everything will be OK? Do I show up at the location like a stalker and hang out "just in case"? I can handle the disappointment. He can handle the disappointment. But can he handle the fact that he's different and that he's left out? I think we're going to find out...
Please leave comments over at WEGO Health to keep the conversation going.
9 comments:
I wonder if Concerned Dad has considered that the other kids will have negative feelings toward his child if he stops the whole class from having ice cream. I think that would be worse than non-participation or lack of socialization. I would say that there but I don't think it would be appreciated from someone who doesn't have kids with allergies.
This is such a tough call. I don't know what I would do.
Barbara,
I didn't comment for him either. As long as the ice cream wasn't an issue of safety, I didn't see the need to stop the other kids. Yes, it really stinks for his son. Yes, it isn't right. But it's life.
The field trip for my guy is a tough decision for me. His Dad and I will discuss what will be in his best interest. I want my son to do EVERYTHING. But he may not be able to. He's been to this place a hundred times so it's not like he's missing some great experience. I just don't want to be too over protective and make him the boy in the bubble, but I also don't want to send him in harms way for the sake of normalcy.
You have to be a member of Wego Health, and I'm not. You are stuck with me here.
Okay, I am the parent that isn't afraid to speak up. You are, too. I understand that they want the children to learn to go off without mom and dad in tow, but this is a different situation.
Being blind to location, I would consider letting him go. However, I would have all of your typical safetys in place, double checking (as you always do) who has the Epi and whatnot. If all that passes inspection, I would allow him to go without you, but to be at that location or a minute or two away. (You have books, sit and read in the lot!)
You are right. He is too young to have to be responsible to watch out for himself regarding a life threatening reaction. He's a pretty swift kid that has lived with this all his life. He knows signs to look for. Make certain that he knows your cell. Better yet, get those tattoos (Safety Tat's?) and put one on him before he goes. He goes with a medical bracelet. Oh, and when you are in the lot, have an extra Epi in your purse.
I'd say trust your instincts. BUT if he's been there before and you know the hazards (e.g. allergens) he might encounter, I would try to put aside your fears and let him go (but still be in your car nearby cell phone ready). Are you worried about ingestion issues or cross contamination issues?
As for the concerned dad, he is kind of acting like a petulant child (my child can't have it so YOUR child can't either). It's not an issue of safety, but he's trying to make it out as one. I wouldn't have commented either. The folks who DID comment only got what I read as a snarky comment in return. This cannot be the first time this kid has experienced this - they don't have birthdays at his school??! Hope he doesn't find this post and yell at us too! :)
If B is going somewhere and she can't have anything I just let her know that she'll get something else even better when we get home.
Bottom line, I think you're a great allergy mom. Little man has got a lot going on allergy-wise (and you've had multiple instances of using the epi) and I agree - our babies are still babies!
There will be PLENTY of field trips in his future - I'm sure not attending this one wont send him into therapy when he's 20. Har har.
Sorry for rambling! Big hugs to you!
Gabs,
Thank you so much! You comments always mean so much to me. I have a lot to think about with this. I know whatever we do, it will be in The Little Man's best interest and as long as we keep that in mind, then we are doing the right thing.
My peanut- and tree nut-allergic son is in 4th grade and I attend all of his field trips because they all involve eating lunch, and most kids pack PB&J. I insist on being one of the class chaperones and so far, the teachers have always cooperated (I think they appreciate not having to be responsible if something happens).
Will your son's class be eating anything during the trip? If not, I would *maybe* consider letting him go alone, though at age 5, that would still be a tough call for me. If there will be any kind of food involved, I would nicely but firmly ask if they could make an exception and let you chaperone. Go to the principal if need be and enlist the help of the school nurse.
It gets a little easier as they get older and are more capable of being their own advocate. In some ways, though, it's also tougher -- it's not always "cool" to have Mom around and fear makes it hard for me to let go. But I guess that's more my issue than his.
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